HOME 14.5 WEEKS
We are still alive-just barely.
It has been really rough, but hopefully we are starting to see the sun after the storm. (hopefully)
The boys have learned English pretty quickly, they are both speaking it pretty well. They are also writing in English and starting to read it.
Alex has had some problems with not following rules at home and at school. He has also had problems with bullying little boys- never girls. We have to watch him every second that he is around Matthew. The school has also had problems with this. He is starting counseling with the school counselor for this. He can be disrespectful as well, especially to women so we are working on this.
Alex got glasses to protect his good eye-there is not prescription in the lenses. He must wear them all the time so that nothing happens to his left eye, if something did he would be basically blind. He looks handsome in his glasses although he doesn't like them. It helps that my nephew Caleb (9)just got glasses and my neice Katie (she is in fourth grade with Alex) has them too.
Alex had three cavities fill and two chipped teeth fixed. He has two large cavities left but they are in baby teeth and the dentist hopes they fall out soon.
Alex won first place in a wrestling tournament a couple weeks ago. He pinned all his guys and was very excited about it.
Alex is in fourth grade, and that means South Dakota scrapbook time in Social Studies. He has done pretty well completing all those pages. We only have a few left to go. Poor Katie has quite a few left.
Now on to Jack.......
For the most part Jack has a very even temperment, but watch out when he is in a bad mood. Jack of course has issues dealing with women. laziness, and also with authority. We expected some of this because he has been able to do what ever he wanted for most of his life. If he didn't like what the orphanage told him to do or their rules he left and went to his grandparent's house, if he didn't like it there he went to his aunts'. Jack can be extremely disrespectful and now that he knows some English he can cuss me out in English then he switches to Russian and finishes the job. He looses his tv priviledges for weeks at a time for this.
Jack seems to enjoy school and wrestling but really wants nothing to do with family life. I think he is pouting because of the loss of his freedom.
Jack had 4 cavities filled and one chipped tooth fixed. He has 5 cavities left but he won't brush his teeth so we aren't fixing them until he starts taking care of them. He also won't change his clothes or shower very often. Jack also needs a lot of work on his table manners-he basically has none and won't correct them no matter what we say. He needs a girlfriend--isn't that how most young men finally acquire table manners???? =)
Matthew-What can I say about Matthew?
Matthew has reverted back to several of his orphanage behaviors due to the extra stress at our house. He is afraid of being hit, kicked and teased. We keep Matthew near one of us anytime Jack or Alex is around.
Matthew has picked up quite a few bad habits from the older boys so we are constantly working on correcting those. He is such a smart and funny little boy!
It has been pretty rough and miserable, so much so that I just couldn't bring myself to blog. But hopefully it will continue to get better. I will update with some pictures next week. Keep the prayers coming we need them and Thanks.
posted by cara @ 9:39 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Sorry things have been so rough! I know it is tough adjusting to teenagers but especially when they had way to much freedom beforehand. I hope things will continue to get better. I will pray for all of you! I will especially pray for Matthew that he will feel secure.
Oooohhh my - this post sends chills down my spine and puts great big knot in my stomach. I've so been there and done this - all of it. When you say it's rough, I know what that really means. It is a hard that people who haven't been through it can't even imagine. I felt like I was in the middle of a raging CAT 5 hurricane for about the first 3-4 months we were home. They were some dark days - and some I really don't even like to look back on.
>--------0---------< That's a great big cyber hug for you. Just know that you're not alone! Don't try to do this alone either. Doing so leaves too much opportunity for the experience to eat you alive and destroy your entire family and your marriage. I'm glad you found the guts to blog again. Please keep it up - and not just about the rosy stuff, either. I've found my best support network through blogging.
As you well know by now, parenting older adopted kids is VERY different than parentiing either bio kids or in your case, a little one who attaches to you fairly easily. That said, for the rest of this comment I will be some resources we've used that have been very helpful...make that 100%essential to survival and very sincerely classified as God-sends!
1. "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control" by Heather Forbes. Read both volumes and then practice them and then read them again and keep practicing the techniques. The methods may sound counter-intuative at first, but they really are hands down the most effective method for getting through to, understanding, and developing the bonds of attachment with hurt kids.
Reality is that traditional parenting techniques simply WILL NOT work with traumatized kids. In fact, more often than not, they will backfire and make the issues even worse. So many of them are ultimately based in fear and punishment and withholding or deprivation...stuff that our kids have experienced repeatedly and in ways that we can't even begin to phathom. There IS no logic in what they've experienced, they don't know what accountability is, and they may well not even have developed any cause-and-effect thinking - which means they're not even connecting the dots between their behavior and what they're being punished for. They just see you as a mean mom. They may fake it, but look close. They're probalby not really be internalizing it.
There is also no consequence you can administer that will be more severe than what they've already been through...repeatedly. Therefore, consequences, punishments, and withholding of privledges don't mean anything to hurt children. Hurt kids WILL push you to the brink of insanity and they WILL test every bit of resolve you have in you, and yes, they WILL even try to MAKE you hurt them or leave them or get rid of them just like everyone else has done. I've come to learn that's just the nature of the beast (until they start to heal, anyway.)
I assure you that I'm not slamming or criticizing anything you're doing or not doing by saying that. It's just a harsh reality of raising hurt kids. And, remember, I've BTDT, too. Everything I know about about parenting hurt kids I learned through the school of hard knocks...some of them have been very hard knocks, too. Ouch!
2. "Learning the Dance of Attachment" by Holly van Gulden. This isn't so much a parenting technique book (though there are some incredibly helpful ideas, even for helping teens.) It's more of a blueprint for understanding what healthy attachment looks like and what needs to happen in order for it to develop, and what types of behaviors kids develop when it's lacking or incomplete during it's normal developmental stage.
3. Contact your local division of Child and Family Services and get in touch with their post adoption unit. Do this ASAP! The program is free and open to anyone who has adopted from anywhere, not just foster care. They have a parent support group run by LCSWs (ours was often a free private therapy session for me if I showed up on time.) They can hook you up with a myriad of public resources (aka free) available in your area such as respite care, abuse victim support and prevention, etc. They can even hook you up with a case worker who can come and work with your family in your home if you want them to. I cannot even begin to tell you how valuable these people were to us, especially in the beginning. I tell you, they pulled us through some REALLY rough waters. I will be forever grateful to them, too.
While you're at it, check and see what resources are available in your area for helping abuse victims and perpetrators. Even if you don't know of any specific abuse they encountered, abuse of all kinds is so rampant at those internats that it would be nigh near impossible for them to escape it - and they've very likely been both the victim and the instigator. The behavior you described in this post is SOOO indicitive of them having experienced abuse, neglect, deprivation, and all those other wonderful things that generate survival instincts. Older kids abusing younger ones and being terrified of and disrespecting women are SUCH common orphanage bahaviors as well. Unfortunately, as you'll find out in the coming months as your kids learn more and more English, there's probably some pretty darn good reasons for them to be behaving the way they are and thinking the way they do.
4. Find a good therapist who has experience in helping older foster kids and get both your older boys in treatment ASAP. Talk therapy won't be real effective yet because of the language issues, but there are other types available that aren't as language intense. It's highly unlikely you'll find a therapist who specializes in IA, but if they've successfully worked with foster kids, especially ones who were adopted when they were older, the experience will be sufficient. It may take many, many phone calls to find that right person, too.
While the school psychologist will be helpful in the short run and is definately a good place to start, I seriously doubt she has the knowlege, experience, or resources available to help with the core issues driving the behavior(trauma, abuse, neglect, abandonment, deprivation, loss, etc.)
5. You are welcome to contact me any time off-line. vorderbinnen at-symbol gmail . com I'm more than happy to chat with you, cry with you, scream with you, bang my head against the wall with you, and otherwise assure you that you're not alone, there are people out here who do 100% get it, that this phase won't last forever, and that there IS help available.
Cara,
Thank you for blogging even in the middle of the storm. I want you to know that I am praying for your family. I haven't read the book yet that Diana recommended-Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control-but two other people recommended it to me this week also, so I just ordered it. Seems like God is hitting me over the head with that one. We are so newly back ourselves that I can't give you any advice, but I am thinking about you and praying for you. Thanks, Diana, for sharing all of the helpful information.
Kari
I second all of Diana's comments. In our state I didn't find a post adoption unit, per se, but we did qualify for in-home family counseling. She sees us (well - me - my husband is working out of the country now) once a week, and our foster child once a week. I have also found a Russian speaking counselor for our newest adopted son (came at 13). And - as far as counseling goes - if one counselor isn't a fit - demand another. The first counselor our foster son got was a man. Maxim does much better with a woman. Now, your son might do better with a man.
One of the best things about "Beyond Consequences" is that I can understand myself better, and realizing that a lot of my gut reactions might stem from fear helps me calm myself and put my trust in God.
Another thought is that the children really do benefit hugely from the safety of an expected routine. This is SO alien to my nature, but the results...peaceful mornings and evenings, are SO worth the effort. While sports seem good on one hand, the disruption they cause for everyone has led me to look more carefully at their value. It can also just add another level of stress.
You are lucky with the English. My son adopted in Fall, 2007, is not speaking very well yet. He is a perfectionist and SO afraid of making a mistake that he'd rather not try. Heavy going.
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